cant stop listening to interpol

i realized today while talking to a friend that maybe im freaking out a little bit in my situation. i kinda jump the gun and think shit is all crazy, but its only been like 3 days since we last talked, and there is no need to be so uppidty. i think i make this shit up, or maybe its due to my past with dudes making me chase them, and not calling me back and just blowing me off. i realized i have a lot of issues and im taking them out on him. even though he doesnt know, he somehow is getting the shit end of the stick with me. im not really giving him me. hes getting some weird scared version of me. i dont want that. i want to give him the melissa that i am, but i somehow dont know how to. he makes me feel weird sometimes, like tonight i told him my cancun story, which most people think is prety funny that i had to be wheelchaired into the hotel from my dad, but the whole time i was talking to him i felt like he was judging me, or didnt think it was interesting nor funny. i was so self councsious the whole time, that i even got all weird while telling it. is it me? do i think hes not into it? or is he really not into it? he does have a weird way of showing his emotions. i just dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know!

we are in venus retrograde, and its told that this a time we bring up old relationship hurts, and issues that never were addressed, so maybe its my time to deal with this shit. but the thing is i thought i was dealing with it, but i guess i havent really had anyone who i wanted to deal with these issues for. i want him to be my boyfriend. i want to kiss him, and go on dates, and be cute openly. i want to fall in love with him and be happy and cook dinner together and sit on the couch while he reads his books, and i do my art or watch tv. i just can see us having a happy life together in so many ways, and in others i cant see it at all. we are very differernt and in different places in our lives. but whatever the universe wants is what ill go with. i need to keep trusting in myself and the universe, kinda like my thesis idea. trust is the big word here. TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST is mega important. trust yourself,and your guides and your life path. thats what im trying to do.

on a lighter note, i decided for lent i would keep myself up to date with the things going on in the world, and i have been kind of. ive been listening to npr more often, but i realized im not really listening while i am listening to it. i am thinking about a million other things, which is whats been going on so much. my brain is on overdrive. super overdrive, i dont know how to stop it either. i have been trying to, but maybe not hard enough. like nikole said to me, there has to be a point where we start doing things, rather than just thinking about them. i keep putting things off saying when its time, but what if the time never comes? i need to start doing these things i dream about. i have great ideas, all the time. i never do shit with them. fuck. ok i gotta go to bed peace yo