seasick, yet still docked

im depressed. straight up.

ive been through so much this week, and havent really dealt with any of it. i honestly dont even know how to. i called tonight to set up an appointment for my therapist, but who knows when she is gonna see me. today angela told me that im still not really in my body, and i dont know how to get back in. i thought maybe in time, maybe im not ready to come back yet. i havent talked to anyone about being down except matt, and tonight he totally blew me off, and i totally needed him. i need someone i realized. all this sickness, and upsetness, and trauma i really need someone. i need support to be with me. im tired of being alone all the time.

ok so my body has been going through so much in the past week. i got a large tattoo on my back, then felt super out of it. chilled for a day, then natalie came out here, we did a few things, did some hiking, etc. then i get in a car accident, where im rear ended and now my body is totally fucked. then nat leaves. so much up and down, i cant handle it. and ive been having to work and not able to really relax and let myself heal at all. its been rough, really rough. i feel so alone and empty. i need to come back to reality and in my body, but at this point, im scared that im never coming back. i dont even know what happy is right now, and thats very unlike me. i am usually pretty happy and positive about everything, but not anymore and i hate it. i wish all this bad shit didnt happen to me this week. im still trying to figure out why..what is the universe trying to tell me? something obviously. there is a lesson in everything, and im dying to know what this one is. i just hope my therapist calls me back.