how do you feel today sister?

umm i havent quite figured that out yet blake..(at 6pm)

that pretty much sums me up. i dont know how to feel. i feel so confused and hurt and upset, but its funny cause most of the pain and hurt is from past relationships, which my current relationship is bringing up. i knew it would be hard with venus in retrograde, but man is it fucking me.

i understand why things went the way they did last night, and i even accept it and agree with most of it, but it was so hard to accept that last night when it was happening. it was like my defenses were up so high, which i was unaware of. i really freaked out and felt so denied, not paying any attention to the fact that he was saying things about how much better it will be when we do get to make out. but fuck when will that happen?

i also realized that im used to using my body to get guys to like me. im used to just sleeping around on the first date to just do it. im not really being true to myself when im throwing myself at a dude, i feel really weird about that aspect of this. i want to write him a letter. a handwritten letter explaining my dating past, and my fears, and why i feel the way i do and why i acted that way. but like j said he might not even have noticed you acting weird. and she also said that maybe i really freaked him out by being so blunt, i mean it feels like i must have said something to make him just blank out. he totally just left the conversation, and wasnt interested in talking anymore. i dont know if he just really wanted to fuck me and it was getting harder to do by the minute that he just wanted to leave, but either way i felt like shit. i wish he would just be as honest to me as i am to him. i do still think we are gonna make this work, thats the funny part. im not scared of loosing him. i dont think thats gonna happen, i do think we will continue to have these rough patches for a while. ugh, i do think it will be worth it one day. it is like a movie story, actually. the scarry part is that i know we will have to seperate for a while for it to work. that will be the hardest part, and im scared to see what brings us to that. i kind of think it will be me getting uber frustrated with the situation, and just being like yo i cant do this anymore, and give him the ultimatum and he will deny my request, we will go on for months not really talking and then he will swoop down and take me in his arms and we will have that first kiss! hhahahahah sike thats totally not gonna happen, but if it does, im totally psychic!
ok i gotta go to bed.