its that little souvenir..

of a terrible year, that makes me smile..

this vacation has been a little crazy for me. ive been out of humboldt for offically one whole week now, and i dont really miss it at all. im actually bummed i have to go back there, not for the typical reasons of just wanting to stay away, its just what am i going back to? nothing. nothing at all. okay dont get me wrong, there is stuff and people there that i love, but there is really nothing totally keeping me there besides me being scared. im scared to leave there for many reasons, and one big one popped in my head today--its the first place ive ever lived thats felt like home. home in the sense, of safety, of it being mine, ive built a home and im scared to leave it.

everyone says i have to give up something to move, but i realized i have been giving up a lot to live there, a lot more than i realized. i guess i got all caught up in my comfortable life of not really working, and just doing my own thing, but there is so much world out there for me, there are so many people that i can connect with and be friends with. i get all confused that its not really the life i want, but i just think it is, but really its comfort again. i feel comfortable around people who have tattoo's and who listen to hardcore, or indie, and i feel right around them. they are my people. the scary thing about that is i have to find the right crowd of those people, because after my la trip i realized how easy it is to be drawn to that same old drug dealing, fighting, dirty, scrappy type of person. its hot to me, but its all i know. the nice guy doesnt cut it for me. he never has. they are right when they say the nice guy never wins, i used to think it was bullshit, but its true. some girls are just hardwired to be into a brut. and i happen to be one of them.

i decided today that i think i need to lay off the weed. i really think it will make a difference. i think that in doing so, i will have a clear mind and be more motivated to do things that otherwise i feel too "burnt" to do. i really want to get in good shape, and be healthier in my eating habits. i know i can do it, its just doing it. trying on clothes today i realized that i am out of shape and i dont feel comfortable in my own skin and i know it shows in what i wear. i hide myself too much. i dont want to do that anymore.

im so fucking sick of hiding who i am, and maybe thats why im also scared to move out of humboldt. i get to me be there. i dont have to impress anyone, or feel like i have to impress anyone. that is the one thing with my "comfy crew" of "my people" i do feel the need to show im supposed to be there, rather than just having the confidence of knowing im supposed to be there. i guess this is all just growing up, realizing these things and doing something about them. thats all we can do carry on.