is this growing up?

man i really feel like im going through such an emotional and important time in my life these days. i feel like im really tapping into those things that i never really thought about before, like women and the importance of them. also racism and how fucked up it was and is still. i cant believe that people still think of black people as less than them, or women for that matter. im really tapping into the fact that im a woman and women are strong. women have been through so much, but they always care, they always look out for other people and love them no matter what. women put up with so much bullshit over the years from men, esp white men. what gave anyone the right to be better than anyone else? where did this all come from? its so fucked up. i feel that its important that ive been thinking about this, and movies that i happen to stumble upon to and decide to watch have these themes. i obviously am supposed to be in this frame of mind. im meant to be looking deeper into these topics, for some reason or another. maybe its to find my inner woman, and my inner woman strength, maybe its to overcome diversity or something along those lines. to feel that everyone is equal and not to ever judge someone. who knows but either way its a huge in my life right now.

i feel like there is a lot going on inside me that im not even noticing really. but its taking a toll on me and my psyche. i feel trapped in this weird place similar to purgatory, where its not good and its not bad, it just is. im making all these big moves, an statements and trying to really control myself and my thoughts. lately ive been so concerned on whos working where, and why im not involved, or who was talking about me, or why and then i have to stop myself and say who gives a fuck. it doesnt matter, its not you. it has nothing to do with you really, just because you think it is, doesnt mean it is. so get over it. who cares if people talk about you, you are doing your thing and living life the best you can. your watching out for yourself, and what makes you feel the best in the situation. you are no longer dealing with things you dont want to, or people you dont want to. (to an extent of course) you are really watching out for yourself and its amazing. i never have done that in my whole life, and it feels awesome. there are all these things i want to do, and how i want to live my life, and im trying to do them. why wait? why put things off? for what? why not read that book instead of watching tv? why? why why why why? i dunno the answer to that particular question yet, but i will stop with the tv and pick up a book one of these days. i feel like a different person, i wonder if people around me feel the same way. i wonder if thats why im losing people left and right. is it ok, is this whats supposed to happen?

is this growing up? i guess so.