find what moves you..

i just saw that line for a car ad and it really got me thinking. ive been really on that topic lately. what moves me? what am i into? what is my passion in life? well weed is one of them. i love it so much, i love to smoke it, eat it, touch it, smell it, its incredible, but yet one of those things i really need to cut down on. i think it might be clouding me. my palm reader said my ora was weak it still was shining but not as bright as it should be. i really believe that weed plays a large part in this. i never take breaks, i smoke all the time, im high every night, and every night i dont do shit but watch tv. im lame. this is making me have no passion, nothing moving me. i dont give time to think about myself and what i actually want and need to do for myself. its funny because i feel like i really got it locked down on what kind of relationship i want. i know the guy i want, i can kind of see him a little bit. its weird because its more than ive ever felt. i really feel like it is coming to me, i dont know how soon, but i really feel like its just waiting for the right time. the time i stop talking to r and just tell him i dont think shit is gonna be ever. its funny cause i know it and have known it but seem to not tell him. its like i like playing along or something. but it annoys me on the other hand. im trying to let it fade out a bit, but i dont think thats gonna work. g on the other hand is holding my interest for some reason. he keeps coming up in my mind, a lot. its weird because i havent hung out with him in forever. i dont even know what its like to be around him, or anything. what if hes annoying? why am i thinking so much about someone i know so little? is it because im trying to find a replacement for r? is this just another person to keep me busy? is that another thing holding me back? is it easier to live this life online with these dudes because they arent here? i dont know.

sometimes i think its worse i have all this internet love, because its unfulfilling. i hate it. i cant smell them, or feel their energy fully. i want more than anything a love in my life, but im thinking its not coming to me until i got me under order. meaning that once i decide what im gonna do and where im gonna go, ill meet him. and it will maybe not seem to work out, but it will. i dont know. arizona texas maine boston all these places are floating around in my head. they have all been put there by psychic of some sort and i wish i knew why. they are both so close to each other its kind of scarry. i do believe still that it will all work itself out for me. ive been looking at grad schools again, and honestly university of texas is the most appealing to me. but can i live in texas? i cant smoke weed there! haha maybe its a good thing. sofia would be too hot, i keep thinking would i take her with me? why not right? but the idea keeps coming into my head over and over, why would i not take her with me though? shes my family, shes my baby, but maybe not? weird. all these thoughts keep coming in and out of my head and im just trying to take them all with a grain of salt. lock them away and store them for later when they are more relevant. i made a list today though of all the jobs i can think of that i would want. here are some:
dj, podcaster, blogger, nurse, guidance counselor, therapist, music supervisor, girls friday, life coach, teen advocate

i really need to think about me. me me me me me! what do I want? what do I want to do for the next few years? what do I want to spend my energy getting lost in? ive been told i need more schooling/training so i think the best bet would be to start studying for the gres. that would be doing something positive towards something else, and if worse came to worse i could always go back to school for the next 5 years and have that part be over. but i do already know who i would want to write my cover letters and what my mission statement would be and all. maybe school is for me. but next september. so i need to apply by january or something. time to get on the gres.

i need to find what moves me.