late night chats

so i live with this guy joey. he is fucking hot, hes 25, shaved blonde hair, great body and very deep emotionaly, spiritually and mentally. we have these really amazing talks and in some ways i feel like i am his guru. i help him out with his acting and his girl troubles and we hang out for hours on on. like long long times. this has only happened twice, but both times were so intense and crazy. we have yet to kiss or even talk about it. but we talk about sex a lot, and pretty much everything.

joey is the only person i have really connected with at all since ive been here. he is a friend i made on my own and i have a personal relationship with him. the thing is i am confused. i kinda want to cuddle and kiss him, but i dont want it to make things weird. on top of it im not sure he wants these things with me. he seems to be into really hot chicks who are young and dumb. i dont honestly care either. i think its all good either way, but its weird getting so close to someone who i am attracted to and have it be just friends. these times of learning are very interesting to say the least.

we were up last night till 6 am and i just woke up a bit ago and trying to figure out what to do with my day. there is so much to do in LA and so much to see, i just need to venture out and do shit. its kinda hard to do alone though. i should just jump in the car and drive to malibu or something, but i am scared of the traffic. i dont want to be on an adventure and then be sitting in traffic for 3 hours because of it. i feel like that needs to be planned. i probably should go to griffth park and go for a hike with sofia.

i only have about 3 weeks left here till i have to go back to humboldt. ive been trying to think about how i am going to feel when i get back there. am i gonna hate it so fucking much? am i gonna love it and be conflicted about la? am i gonna want to go back to hang out with tyler and get some good sex? or will i be turned off from him? there is so much to think about. but then again its me, and i always think too much. i need to let it go a bit and just be. let the river flow, as i like to say.

i really want to get tattooed. i feel like times like these are the perfect time to get tatted. ive been thinking about getting "the darkest hour is right before the dawn" but in a different language. the problem is none of the languages look as good as i want them to. or i dont like the words as much. but i have english everywhere, and i want to be a bit more discret too. i was thinking the inside of my upper arm,. i dont know where to go though, and besides if i want to get a sleeve, that will be in the way. but do i want a sleeve? i have gone over this for years and never really fully want to commit to that. which means i should get over it. its weird because i think i want it to show that i am different and i am an individual and am part of the scene that gets nice tatts. but why? that isnt really even me anymore. jimmy walsh is playing some hardcore show tomorrow and invited me to go, and i kinda dont want to. actually i am not going, i instead made plans to hang out with wes at his work. should be an interesting day to say the least. ok time to eat breakfast, its 2pm. jesus.

change thrown into the tollbooth

so ive been in LA for a week now. its kinda cool, kinda weird. everyday i feel differently about it. i feel like i like it here enough but really not so much. the weather is nice there is a lot to do, but what am i going to do? i have spent most of my time in my room hiding out or sleeping. i go out for maybe a bit then i dream of retreating to my room and hoping that nobody is home so that i can be alone. im unsure of my happiness with this move. i know that i couldnt nor can i go back to humboldt. that is out of the question. but can i stay here? im not so sure. i need a purpose still, and these wellness counselor classes seems to be right up my alley. i know i am being too hard on myself about being here, its been a week. i need to stop beating myself up. i am doing great with how i am acting and who i am spending my time with and finding balance, i am proud of myself for that stuff, but overall i dont know if my location was my problem. well i mean it was part of the problem, but overall with my happiness level and career choices im not sure location was it. i still feel directionless and scared and confused and want all these great things in my life, but yet arent doing anything to get them. when will it stop? when will i be happy enough to stop worrying and just spent my time doing something? when it comes to me? how will this happen? i know i need faith, i know i do. i have it. faith that it will all work itself out and i will be ok. i just need to keep the dream alive and well and keep myself on a path of healing, happiness and love. constantly.

speaking of love, tyler has been on my mind a lot lately, but its weird i think of him fondly but when i think of actually seeing him it freaks me out. i dont want anything to do with him like that anymore, or at least i think so. its like my body innately knows hes not right, but hes pretty damn close to right. all these other guys and situations seem okay but none of them are worth it. i dream of cuddling and kissing people ive met here, but in reality i dont want that. its just so weird i am in such a weird place in general. so much change happening at once, and emerging and growing and sadness mixed with happiness its so fucking weird. i cant believe something that ive wanted to bad could be so hard to do when i got it.

fuck i cant imagine living in humboldt again, i really cant. i guess im just having a sad day.

daddy issues...

So there is this huge disaster going on, this huge earthquake happened in Japan and we are dealing with the after effects here in Northern California. I am only an hour away from Crescent City which is where the damage is really happening. Ive been up all night and slept for a few hours woke up to a few emergency calls from my little brothers school, letting us know it is closed. I call over to my dads house to make sure they know and to just check in with them all. So I called again to check in and my dad is like oh this is nothing, which is just stupid because ive been listening to the radio and keeping myself informed and its not okay. Hes so typical and clueless its just fucking stupid. He then proceeds to ask me to watch my little brother so that he can go to work. I just got done telling him that the major roads are closed and that the first waves arent the worst ones, and he decided to argue with me. Now the most annoying part is that all this shit going on with my head and my headaches and face pain, he knows of and never even called to check on me or ask how I was feeling. I told my stepmom that I might have to have surgery and he didnt even call me. Then today when he asked me to watch Blake, I said that my headaches are pretty bad and I am going through my own shit and he acted all mad at me. He needs to get a grip. I think its time for me to have a serious talk with him. All these years I have been trying to find what to say and how to say it to him, and it kind of came to me the other day that he doesnt treat me like his kid, he treats me like a good family friend. There is no doubt that neither of us know what that means, but it does mean to have compassion for me, and to do what he can for me, emotionally and mentally and he never does. When I had a fever he didnt want to bring me anything and made Kris do it on her way to work. He just is so selfish and expects things to be done for him but not for anyone else. I dont feel any love or support from him, and my stepmom always says that its just how he is, and how he grew up but i think its bullshit and an excuse, everyone can change and grow and I dont think its fair that he gets away with it. I have always had this problem with him and I wish I could make it go away. It just makes me not want to even talk to him. He called me a minute ago and told me that the babysitter is coming up and that he is going to work. Like who the fuck makes a teenager come to work during a disaster? its bananas. im just annoyed and need to say something to him at some point.

no title...

Last night I had another intense dream. I was visiting matt gallagher and his family and all of them were there, we were hanging out and chatting, but its weird because it was at nikoles childhood home. strange right? so mr g was sitting on the couch and mrs g was cleaning and cooking or something. i came in and was hanging out with them and then matt came in and i think mikey was there too, hard to say. but he was like stay here, and then i looked outside and there was a car that was really dark and i saw someone inside and they started shooting at us and all these people were outside, i dont know who they are but everyone came running in the house screaming and i was laying on the floor right by the window watching bullets fly past and then they shut the door to the house and the door was a special door that didnt let bullets in and we were all safe, but it was really scary. then matt was gonna go outside and i kept arguing with him about it but knew i wouldnt win so i decided to leave and gave him a kiss on the head and left. in the dream i knew he may get shot anyway, but there was nothing i could do about it. so fucking weird.

I found this online and it kind of makes sense---To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation.

i went to the doctor yesterday about my headaches and they finally listened to me, but by doing this they freaked me the fuck out. after we discussed all my issues they came up with 3 things they think i can have. 1-cluster headaches, which i really dont think i have this is more nerve issues. 2-trigeminal neuralgia which is a serious disorder that i have some of the symptoms of and some i dont. 3-temporal arteritis which is a very very serious problem in which i would have to go on steroids and possibly have brain surgery. i honesty think i dont have any of these, i think i have a nerve disorder that is being pushed by something else. like a pinched nerve. i think these doctors are going to try to give me a whole bunch of medicine to try to fix me, but it will be wrong. i just need a fucking cat scan of my brain and it will show everything. thats what i think. i am really against all these medicine options and i honestly dont think i need them. so far today hasnt been bad but last night when i was going to sleep i had an episode of my face killing me really really bad. so there is no doubt something has to happen.

its only castles burning..

i am starting to worry about my headaches. researching on the net doesnt help me either, but i cant help it. i never know when its right to call the doctor again. i went to see her 2 weeks ago and my shit has gotten worse a lot worse. my headache actually woke me up in the middle of the night and just hurts so bad, that im scared now. im actually scared that there is something serious going on inside my brain. there is a part of me that thinks this neck situation is the cause and having seen this new chiro yesterday could have caused it to be worse, but it could also be something else. its like when do you trust yourself or when do you think your over reacting? its so hard. i am also wondering if watching too much greys is making me nutso. they constantly have some sort of brain tumor or crazy head thing on there so dr shepherd has something to do every episode, but still these things do happen and i am worried about myself. i have always had this fear of brain tumors or aneurysm and i try not to think about it because i dont want to bring it on myself or anything like that, ya know manifest it. i just dont want my vision to get fucked up or have any perminiate damage because i didnt make a simple call. so i called. i am waiting for the doctor to return my call and see what she says. but she pretty much blew me off last time and blamed all my troubles on my allergies, which i dont believe is true. i think its a lot worse than silly allergies. and that made me so mad that this is the health care in america they just see you and assume things and tell you to leave. i felt like i got overlooked and not the best care that i could have. hopefully me calling and saying whats up will wake her up and make her look deeper in my case and actually order some tests or something to help me, to actually see what im dealing with here. i do hope its nothing. i hope this goes away asap.

nowhere

I have been suffering so much over the past few weeks from my face, neck and headache. I finding myself in a severe depression, yesterday and the day before I didnt get out of m pjs most of the day. I am sleeping in the middle of the day, not really wanting to do much at all. I woke up this morning and felt horrible, knowing I didnt want to go anywhere or see anyone or do anything. I am in so much pain and I am scared on top of the move situation being out of my control. I am not really in control of my life right now and I dont know how to get it back. I could just give up on this LA thing, and keep living my life here, but it still is out there, it still exists. I hate this so much. I hate waiting on someone else, its very unfair Its also unfair for the people who want to move into my place too, everyone is hanging on because of me. I feel the pressure, I feel like part of a really bad train.

I had this dream last night that is confusing a bit so I want to write it out and maybe it will help me out. ok so i had a dream i was driving up my road which was all rocky and i blew out 3 of my tires. i was at a house, that kinda looked like my grandparents mountain house, but was my house. i didnt have triple a, but i thought it would be cheaper if i joined real quick then called, but my dad made me just call. so i called and asked people to come out. then i went outside and random people came to my house and were having a party all around me and i kept yelling at them to leave or fix my car and nobody would listen to me. they kept saying yeah yeah well fix it later. there was a girl there who kept placating me and was doing the dishes and i took over and told her to stop doing the dishes and fix my tires! i then coughed up this huge black rock looking thing from my throat/chest and it was gross, and i tried to cover it up and make it go down the drain. everyone at my house was partying and nobody seemed to care about the 3 blown tires on the side of the road, i asked if it was in the way and everyone was like no, its fine. but nobody would fix my car and i was getting so mad and frustrated because nobody was listening to me and trent reznor was there and he told me to listen to this cover of neil youngs "everybody knows this is nowhere" and i got mad because i said it was one of my favs and the cover sucked, but really it was the real song.

when i woke up this morning i decided to look up blown tires in dreams and it said that if you dream about that you feel your life is going nowhere. well hello. everybody knows this is nowhere.

What's my name...

I dont know. I feel like I am semi spiraling out again about my life. I have no goal, no purpose, no nothing. I mean I guess trying to move i a goal, but I am not even putting 100 percent into that. I yet again am letting life pass me by and doing nothing about it. I get so jealous of all these people actually doing something with their lives. The worst part is that I know I could be doing something too, but I constantly make excuses. Like well i cant do it here in Humboldt, there is nothing to do. This place doesn't have what I need, etc etc. But it does. I can create a DJ night for myself here and probably have it turn out semi ok. I was on a great path, until Nikole hit me up and told me I could move to LA, which just put a wrench in everything and kinda stopped my progress, i shouldnt have let that happen. I should have been like ok cool and kept doing me, until something actually happened, but instead here we are 3 weeks later and I am in inertia. I am aware that I have the power to fix this, I guess I just dont ever do it, or have the will power to do it. I decided that on the new moon, which was Friday that I would take my break, my month long break away from drinking and smoking weed, among other things. Last night I went out and i wasnt drinking at all, until later I got a whiskey and i didnt even want it, I just wanted to fit in kind of. It sucked, I wished i didnt do that. I just dont have the drive for anything these days. I seriously lay around the house in my robe and watch tv for hours on end. I didnt even smoke weed or eat weed or nothing yesterday and I watched 4 hours worth of Greys, and honestly it was on my agenda for today too. What can I do? How do I stop this insanity? the real answer is to just do it. but do what? what can i possibly do that will fulfil me? i feel like i was in such a good place recently, right before Kole called with that moving nonsense. I had a goal, to move to Arcata and find a job, it was all i thought about and talked about, it was all i wanted, until that fateful phone call. then BAM! nothing is happening. I may not even be moving there, and I wont know until i know. Its unfair and horrible. People tell me I should pack up and clean the house in preparation, but then I will be living amongst boxes and shit and I dont want that. My book shelf is packed up and sitting in the corner and I already hate it. I almost unpacked it the other day.

Overall i am still craving change, I need it and want it. I am living this weird life and I am ultimately not happy in it. I go through periods where i do stuff or hang out with people and feel okay about it, but when all is said and done, i am lonely and depressed. I hope this cleanse I am doing not only helps me lose those extra 5 pounds i put on, but also helps clear my mind and help me figure out what to do next.