back to the old house..

so im back in california now and wow do i live a double life. its so fucked up how it feels to me all the time. i go away a lot from this place, and i hate it here so much sometimes, and then other times i love it. its like i get so wrapped up in living here, i forget how much i need to move. the push is on though, ive been really talking and wanting to move for a while, but it feels like the last month has really shown me i need to get the fuck outta here. i also really need to pick a job to start looking for, or a company and some sort of job in that company. its time to be more decisive. im so fucking wishy washy all the time and never make decisions, because im always thinking there is something better out there for me. theres not, and if there is i will find it but i need to decide and move on. ive been practicing with this new theory the past few days and its wonderful. i bought a pair of boots, they were awesome i really liked them and i did it. sucks they hurt my feet, but im sure they will stretch out sooner than later. i was all confused about judging this dancing contest, i wanted to, but didnt. so i didnt. i had work today but had the opportunity to say no, so i did. which in retrospect is stupid for my finances, but good for my body. i decided also that its time to stop just working because i want the money, i need to listen to my body and go with that. i have suffered so much through work, it hurts every time and its never gonna make me better. i keep re-injuring myself every time i sit down to work. its time to pick and choose and save save save. i will never leave here if i dont save money. i spend like a motherfucker and just try to live this glamourous lifestyle, but its actually holding me back now. the sparkle is gone, there is no need to be so sparkley here, when if i save and be disciplined i can move and be a lot happier and live a good life somewhere else. New York is where I think I wanna go. i never thought i would want to move there in a million years, but i love it. i loved being in that city so much, it felt so right, so at home. its so where im meant to go. its close enough to philly that i can go home when i want and see my family but yet still be far enough away that i can live my own life. so i just need to pick a job that i can see myself doing. i never put enough energy into one thing to make it work out for me. i was talking to my stepmom last night and she said that i dont put energy into anything because anything i have has backfired on me and hurt me, so why would i bother? if i just put a little bit in at a time i can pull back whenever i want, i never get hurt. but i also never try hard enough. it is time for all of this to change, in every aspect of my life. essentially im a slacker, i give everything a half ass try and give up so easy, those days are over. its just time to be dedicated to me and my future, i will give the energy to myself bettering myself.

some hard times fell upon me while i was in ny, with the whole thing with that dude. it was horrible, i felt like i was at the end of my rope with dudes. like what the fuck, why does this shit keep happening me to? oh because the only energy i put out there is to attract dudes to fuck, or make out with. not dudes to start a life with. and ive had to take the morning after pill seriously like 4 or 5 times in the past year it feels like. that shit is not good. i hate that i had to take that pill again, and never again do i want to. i thought last time i took it it was over, but i was wrong. i did my pimpin, i did my playing, i did my heartbreaking, im done. i want a relationship. but not one that im desperate looking for one, thats silly. one that comes to me in a nice way and i accept it. im not gonna look for a dude. im not gonna put a bunch of weight on one that i meet that i think is the one. its stupid and childish and im almost 32 and i need a real man, a man who will love me and comfort me hang out with me fuck me kiss me hold my hand cuddle with me. i want it all.

i dont give a damn about my bad reputation..

except i really do. i mean dont get me wrong i try not to care about little stuff, or petty bullshit about people not liking me or having some beef over something silly. all that stuff goes through me and over me, i dont hold onto it. but today i had two instances where i was really disrespected and i kind of laid down and took it and after wards realized how fucked up it was. i dont even want to talk about anymore, cause im kind of over that. hes a douche and i am over it. but the second thing is a little worse it totally has to do with my career and it sucks. i wrote a blog for my work and when it got published, the editor published it with all the edits on it, and made me look incompetent and stupid and i am defiantly the butt of everyones jokes. and now i have to talk to him on the radio and call him out. i need to be strong and ready to talk to him about all this shit. he really disrespected me by doing this, and i didn trealize it at first. i was told about it in such a way that it was funny and i went along with it, i guess cause i was in shock, and didnt know what to do but to take the high road and go with the flow, but then i realized it was just mean and really made me look bad. like super bad . so we are having it out on the air today, which i also think is kind of bullshit because it exposes it more and brings more attention to it, but i need to suck it up and stand up for myself and my career and life in general.

one good thing is that i had a real realization last night. i need to choose something to do for a career and go with it. i have always been so confused about what direction i want to go in and i never decide, or just get it. i do it with boots and boys all the time. i seriously havent bought boots in years because i think there is a better one out there, same with dudes, if a guy is right, but not fully right i think there is something better out there. what am i waiting for? its not all just gonna come to me. i need to be more decisive and just pick something and go wtih it. give it my all and go for it, and if it doesnt work out then find something else, but its time to choose a path. some would say i have chosen radio, but i dont really like being on air per se. its not really my thing at all. its too fake and weird. then i think well i need to get over that too, i need to embrace everything and just do it. i have been telling msyelf that for years now, just do it. and i think its time to take my own advice. i need to move and i need to find a job and just do it. its time. its time to stop playing these games and move on and move out.

fuck! i need a job!

common people..

last night i did a little internet stalking of my new love interest, now let me start by saying, i realize people do this because they like someone and they want to look at them and find out everything they can about a person to keep them at bay before their next encounter. but in this situation i found a little too much information, since his father and him share the same name. and boy oh fucking boy i wish i didnt know the stuff i know. i know way too much and it kind of ruins it for me. i dont want to know how much money this dude has, i dont want to know about class and society and have to worry about my clothes looking too cheap, or my car being a hot mess. i want to be myself, so yes the answer is be myself, and if he doesnt like me because of these things, fuck him. yes i am aware of this. but fuck man, fuck.

saturday i got all dolled up for this wedding. i missed the first few shuttles, i showed up to the marriott to catch one and derek had already left, so i assumed i would be alone for this adventure which i wasnt too happy about. i remember driving there thinking jesus, here we go again another situation where i am showing up alone, and having to do things alone and really wanting not to. so luckily a good friend johnny is there and i feel safe and comfortable. we all get on the shuttle together and start driving up. there are so many people i dont know but i am trying to just be cool and go with the flow. then all of a sudden this dude introduces himself to me and we ask each other what we do, and i tell him i am a radio dj and he tells me he has a label and i ask the name and he says ohlala and i go oh thats sweet is it because of the faces song? and he tells me he is impressed, but its not from the song, blah blah so we seriously chat it up the whole way to this wedding and talk about music mostly but then about california and weed and then we arrive at the wedding. which was just bananas. small finger foods everywhere, mini cheeseburgers, grilled cheeses, tacos, but mini and so cute mixed with small drinks like mini coke bottles, that were rum and coke with a mini straw, so adorable. oh yeah mini spaghetti and meatballs it was lovely. i decided to drink a bit too, but thats a whole other blog. the night goes on and we go to our tables at the main event, and i am at the same table with the boy! so im siked. we have a nice little cocktail hour with music and stuff, and here and there me and the boy talk or flirt and then go about our business. finally we get together for the fireworks and we go sit down by the river and watch the fireworks and it was so romantic, and then right afterwards he kisses me and just by his kiss i could tell it was gonna be awesome. so then we were pretty much attached at the hip, we went everywhere together, and hung out. there were couches and we went to one and made out hard, like kissed so much and just were together. it was so nice and easy and comfy and nice. i felt semi embarrassed because i dont usually act like that at all, but i couldnt help myself. it was so hot, he would be so nice to me, and say these really amazing things compliment me and treat me like a lady, but then would be whispering in my ear about how he wants to fuck me or lick my pussy or have me cum all over him. it was fucking sexy and i liked it a lot. we really are quite compatible in that realm. its nice and way fucking hot.

when we were getting ready to leave, kole was like dont fuck him, do not fuck him and kept going on about it. i was like whatever its one night, i want to have sex im going to fuck him. i am single and can bang and she was like okay cool i was just making sure that if you liked him not to fuck him. i totally thought about it while she was talking and was like yeah right i am so fucking this dude no matter what. then she was like oh cool go for it. so we leave and i had to drive derek to manayunk, and i was bummed i couldnt believe that derek wouldnt let me go bang of all people! so we drive him to his friends house and then i go back to this dudes house with him. it is his parents house and boy oh boy was i in for it. a fucking whole huge mansion. it was nuts. but i didnt get the whole tour or nothing, just up to his wing of the house. it was fucking on the second we got in his room. we were up for like 4 hours fucking and kissing and laying around then finally went to sleep. i woke up and kind of thought he wasnt into me anymore for some reason and got really nervous. then we cuddled and he played with my clit a bit, which the night before was quite the challenge for him, so that ruled. then we had some pretty amazing sex and laid around. the weird part was he was preparing me to meet his mother, which was gonna be weird, but i was like well whatever ill get over it, but luckily she had left to go horseback riding, so we had some time but not too much. i left and when i did he was like keep in touch, and i was like you too! so then i left my earrings there, which werent mine, they were nikoles and i had to text him. now mind you at this point i was still eh, but drunk in love, but i guess i had my wall up and didnt want to like him. hes 26, he lives in new york, and i live in california, how on earth would this ever work out? but then i started to catch feelings, while home in the shower and driving, it was sinking in that i wanted to hang out with him again. i get to george and koles and they proceed to tell me all about this dude and his family and how rich they are, etc etc. and yet again i didnt want to know that. its weird.

this whole thing really weirds me out. i wish i thought he was poor and got to know him in that sense, because i feel like now i am going to always try to show that i dont care about his wealth. which frankly i dont. i dont want anything from him except him and i dont want money to interrupt that. i also dont want to be the poor girl he dates that his mother hates. i dont want any of that bullshit at all. i looked up our birth charts and its weird its the very first one that any of the negatives werent that negative. i mean there was sections but they all said these things were workable, which i have never read before on the birth charts. same with numerology and compatibility charts..they all alluded to the fact that if we had a strong bond, and worked hard enough it could work out and if it did it wouldnt be a relationship that would be easy to get over, that is if i could ever get over it to quote one thing. which i find intriguing to say the least. he asked me to come to see him in new york when im back in a few weeks, and i think i am gonna. i think i am going to change my flight info and stay a few extra days up there with him and go to cmj. im gonna talk to my boss when i get back about panels and shows and stuff and see if he is interested in either helping me pay for the flight change, or get me passes or something. but i want to give it a shot. i am gonna ask him too if he wants to come to sf and see arcade fire with me. im gonna offer to buy his ticket if he wants to come, i already have the hotel room booked anyways, it would be awesome! but we will see what he says. i feel all jumbled up inside about this, but i think i need to not worry at all. it should be easy since he lives so far away. he called me last night, which was really sweet, and asked me to call him today, which i am siked on. i cant wait to find the right time to call and chat!! we will see how it goes! im gonna drop the arcade fire bomb if the time is right. that would be so much fun!

oh boy am i in for it with this one..we will see where this ride takes me!

this quote was in my horoscope for today and really stuck out to me "there is beauty in simplicity" and im gonna keep it with me all day. xo

i'm coming out...

i want the world to know..i got to let it show!!

this song just popped up on my itunes and i couldnt agree with it more right now. i had such a down trodden day and felt really upset and depressed and lonely, but not anymore. i was feeling so down that i just wanted to smoke weed and have fun and not give a fuck, but the universe wanted more from me. i made plans to go to this dudes house and get high and chill out, thought there might be a chance of make out, even though i didnt really want to, i figured there was always the chance. so i get ready and i leave, i get to the bottom of my hill and realize i left this plastic container that my comforter was in was directly in front of the heater, like right there, like could burn my house down. so i drove back up the hill moved it and drove back down. this should have been the point where i decided to stay in, but i went against myself and went anyways. when i was driving i felt like i should just cancel, but i felt weird so i figured i would just go and see what happened. so as i was driving down his street, i saw a fucking SKUNK! can you even believe it? i havent seen or heard of them since the last time with that dude casey!! so nuts. so that kind of set the tone for me. i got there and his house was just a mess, it was a dudes houe who hasnt had a girlfriend in a long time. which is fine, i wasnt really going there thinking he was gonna be my boyfriend, i was lonely, but i was just like umm yeah nope. so i was there and ready to smoke weed, but he happened to only have the one strain i refuse to smoke! oddly enough right? trainwreck makes me feel like im having a panic attack all the time and it doesnt go away for a while, so i was like nope. im not breaking my cycle early for this shit. and besides his bong and everything was dirty and ew i just wasnt into it. so i didnt end up smoking! another day down, 3 more to go. i can do this. i thought about how i would feel and i think i would be okay with it, depending on the situation, but not that. even if he had good weed, i dont think i would have. i want it to be special. i might just do it on sunday night which would be my 4th week, a month. not 30 days, but a month, they are pretty much equal. i want to smoke alone and just enjoy myself. its kind of like my virginity or something, i know it seems silly, but i really started to look at it like that tonight. im not just giving it up to anyone and anytime. fuck that. its for me. sunday it is.

another thing i realized was that i want a dude who doesnt drink a lot. i want a dude whos not super into drinking, but does every now and again and doesnt smoke too much either. i need someone who has found a good balance between it all. i dont want a dude who cant say they havent taken a week from drinking in forever. its too much excess, its too much control over them and their brain and their thinking. i need a clear headed dude. tonight while driving home i was blessed with the thoughts that this person does exist for me and its all gonna be ok, and its all gonna be apparent. i know this all the time, but i never believe it for longer than a day or so. i start to get lonely or upset and i dont believe myself, but its gonna be so easy and i am going to know right off the bat when it comes to me. kind of like dan platt, i really judged him, but hes right when you know, you know. trust in that and you will be fine. i know my man is out there, i know he is. i fully and utterly believe it. when we finally get together, we are going to have such a wonderful life together. so filled with love and happiness. i know it is there for me. it will come to me. as i was thinking these thoughts and how this dude was just another lesson to learn, bob marleys coming in from the cold came on the ipod and it couldnt have been better timing. it made so much sense and felt so good to hear.

when one door is closed, another is open.

expectations only ever fail..

so i had been waiting for tonights hang out with my new man toy casey and boy o boy was i left disappointed. i think its because of my expectations, i thought he would want to come hang at my house and make out again. i mean why wouldnt he? right? WRONGGGGGG melissa, way fucking wrong. we had talked about having lunch together and then decided upon dinner after my ballet class, and i thought we could make dinner at my house or whatever and he wanted to grab some at this little restaurant, neither of us were super hungry so we just shared a salad and gourmet pizza. the beginning of the hang out was super fucking awkward as i knew it would be. the last time we saw each other i had his dick in my mouth. so i knew there would be some sort of weirdness, but i didnt think it would be that weird. so we really didnt have much to talk about, which is so odd because both of us are interesting people and have had interesting lives, but it was weird and blank. i tried to roll with the punches as much as possible. i kept smiling and was interested in all he said and really paid attention to him. towards the end of the dinner he seemed to have loosened up a bit, but not too too much. i felt like he had a wall up tonight, like he wanted to hang out but had something on his mind or was just not fully there. when i got out of my ballet class i called him and he didnt answer, and didnt call back for like 20 minutes. he said he was on the phone for a belated birthday call, but later mentioned it was a girl. i have a feeling its some girl he really likes or liked or have had something with and maybe that put him in a weird space. who the fuck knows.

anyway after dinner was over we were walking and i asked what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go home. so i said cool. then he said he wanted to hang out and watch a movie at my house with me, so we decided on friday. but i just feel super weird about the whole thing. i know i shouldnt, i know i am over reacting, i know i am thinking way too much into this thing that isnt anything at all but i cant help it. i over think things and get so insecure when it comes to dudes. but my tarot did say i have to do things differently and adapt to things better, so maybe this is one of those things. maybe just maybe he really likes me and wanted to have dinner and talk and get to know me before we went any further. who knows. we both are supposed to go to this reggae show tomorrow, but i really dont want to go, i have to wake up way too early friday morning and have work all day tomorrow..so who knows what im gonna do. overall i feel the weirdest because i know this isnt going anywhere. i have never stayed with someone who i knew was a waste of my time. i never just took a lover for a lover, and i thought thats what this was, so its just weird that its not. we were talking about my love of sports and he said "i never dated someone who was into sports before" like as if we were dating or something weird weird weird. am i just weird? am i the weirdo? do i expect too much from people? i am over it really i will just look forward to friday nights movie hang out aka sex night hopefully ;)

sadness settles in like it never left..

its so funny how quickly i can get upset and go right into depression, its like a warm bath sometimes. its quite scary actually to know how accepted i let it be in my life. i know i have the power to get over it and the brain strength to let it go away, but ill be honest i like it. i like the days when i feel down in the dumps and want to be alone and quiet and weird and take baths, the only thing im missing today is weed, which is actually interesting in itself. i know i want to smoke weed today and its because i feel shitty and want to suppress some feelings im having. one is my friend tibora. i thought she was upset with me a few weeks ago and it was over taking me and i finally decided to write her a nice long email about it and she called me and pretended she didnt get it yet and acted all super normal and nice to me, which made me feel absolutely insane. i was like wow i gotta chill with this shit, so when we hung out the next day i semi brought it up and she acted like no way was she upset with me..but then i see her boyfriend today and we get to talking about some stuff and he tells me she actually was upset with me, its so fucked. i mean she straight up lied to me. i have been trying to think about what to do about it and how to feel and to not take it so personally, like well maybe she didnt want to deal cause it was stupid and she was over it, but its not true, she just doesnt want the conflict, but fuck that! how are you supposed to be friends with someone when you never know when they are upset with you? i know i will take that and run any time she doesnt respond to an email or text, i will over think it and never know, and i will never feel secure enough to know the truth. and all over one lie. lying is so horrible and creates such tension in so many ways. i am going to talk about this with her for sure, but i just need a few days to get over my hurt and think of it as an adult and deal with it responsibly.

the other thing bothering me is this dude from last night. i dont know why i feel so vulnerable or whatever. i know its nothing, i know this is just what it is, but i feel weird. is the blow job? is it the letting myself go? is it the lack of conversation today? why do i take things so personal?? i always think that people are against me and blowing me off, etc. but its silly i need to know people are people doing their things and will get ahold of me when they can and or want to. i dont know why i feel like this dude doesnt want to hang out with me again, of course he does. why do i even care? i let my guard down in so many ways, not mentally but physically and i think thats bothering me on some level. i keep telling myself to take it slow and not let it get sexual but i feel like this is different. this isnt a dude whos gonna marry me by any means, its just a dude. someone to kiss and hold and fuck (hopefully) but when we were laying there last night he wanted us to take our pants off, due to comfortableness and then said im not trying to have sex or anything, we dont really even know each other yet. then i mentioned my period and it felt a lot better. the pressure was off and gone, but then we got so hot and heavy if i didnt have my period we would have fucked for sure. i think thats my problem. i have no self control when it comes to sex. i want it, i want to be in the moment and i want to feel it. whatever i know im over thinking this one too much, hes just a dude who will be out of my life in 2 weeks. ahh fuck it

it is happening again..again..

wow wow wow. is all i can say about tonight and its events. i will describe as best as possible, but partially i want to keep it to myself so i dont forget it and forget the feeling along with it. the dude i was talking about last night came over. i went to the block party that he was at and we got to hang out a little bit then my friend tibi came and we did our thing, then i hung out with him again and left. we never really talked about hanging out but we exchanged numbers. when i was at dinner he texted and asked if i wanted to hang out and i invited him up to my house. pretty much with the intention of making out with him at some point..which didnt take long. we went outside to look at the stars and then we kissed and it was fucking horrible like so fucking horrible. so awkward and weird and confusing and horrible period. i cant even believe where the night lead with the start being so horrid. i seriously sat in my bathroom going ok what are you gonna do now? but then we cuddled and rubbed our heads and kissed our faces and stayed away from the mouth and slowly but surely he started to kiss like me and it was all good. i didnt realize how one sided i am with kissing, but i am. i cant change how i kiss for anyone and thats really not fair, but to be honest i know i kiss well, so fuck it. follow me and you will be good to go. so we just shared a few magical hours together rolling and rubbing and kissing and touching and it was grand! i have my period so no sex, but man did we fucking grind hard i seriously got so sweaty i felt like i had sex, it was everything like sex minus penetration. i decided to give him a blow job since he was being such a good sport about everything, and besides i thought it was semi unfair to leave him with such huge blue balls on his birthday! yes it is his birthday technically at midnight. so that pretty much blew his mind..haha no pun intended. he said that he never really had a girl give him a blow job and let him cum in her mouth, i thought that was crazy! i didnt swallow or anything, but i let him cum in my mouth, i mean come on now. haha

i really look forward to hanging out with him again and it really sucks that he is leaving in 2 weeks, but its good at the same time too. im sure we will hang out these two weeks and have a fun time, and then go off on our lives and maybe reconnect, but maybe not. i need to not fall for him, i need to keep this casual and fun and not let my feelings get all wrapped up in it. there is no reason to get attached to him, he doesnt even live here. i felt myself falling for him, but i realized i was falling for the ecstasy that i was experiences, he used the term "love drunk" and its true. i felt love drunk and its fabulous! he also asked if this was the first time i made out with someone sober, which isnt fully true, but no weed in my system at all, or to buffer the awkwardness or anything like that yes it was, and i enjoyed it more. it was so nice to feel all these feelings sober and know they are real and they are the real me, and not the drugs. man i am so curious if we are gonna hang out again soon! he is having some little shindig tomorrow at his friends house, and i really dont want to go cause i dont know the people but i want to hang out with him, but i dont want to push it and make it weird. so im just gonna see what happens, and be honest and open to him about it and ask. hes very honest and up front so it wont be weird. i need to remember i dont know him though, i need to remember just because we made out and had a great night doesnt make us anything. we are still just friends, not dating nothing, we are friends and thats it! i need to remember this!! ok time to go to sleep!!