skunky

while driving home tonight i saw a skunk, i havent ever really seen a skunk alive i think. it was weird it was black and then all of a sudden i saw the white stripe and knew it was a skunk. it really made me think, hmm what was that for? why did i see a skunk out of nowhere?? they are odd animals to just kind of run into. animals lately have been really important signs for me and help me realize things i may not have seen before. so i just looked up skunk and what it means in native culture, and its funny what it means. it is representing what your putting out there, what odors or feelings or vibes are you putting out, and are they clear or confusing. now i find this funny because i met this person tonight, who i was defiantly interested in, he was one of the most interesting people i think i have ever met and i felt like after i left that i was giving him hot and cold vibes. i had really bad allergies tonight and he suggested me to go outside and get some fresh air, and he came out too, but when he came out and we were alone i froze up and acted like a weirdo and semi rushed us back inside and pretended i was chilly. but in reality i was just feeling awkward and didnt know what to say anymore or how to act. i really wanted to kiss him actually, but i just froze up and went back inside. while inside i was giving all these im into you vibes, but i think overall he thought i wasnt interested. which totally sucks. when we left he didnt offer nor ask for my number. i tried to give him the chance to ask for mine, or suggest we hang out this week or sometime and he didnt really pick up on it, but then i was thinking it was because of all my mixed signals. i hate that i do that, why am i so scared? what freaks me out so bad? why not just say what i think or feel at the time? i will lose opportunities in life if i keep doing this. hey maybe thats my lesson from this experience.

so let me gush about this dude for a minute. heres the thing he is not striking hot or anything along those lines at all. if i were to see him in a room full of people i would over look him in 2 seconds. he would be nowhere on my radar..but after talking to him for a while i was so intrigued by him. he is so his own man in so many ways. he has lived everywhere, he never graduated high school because it interrupted his life and his goals and dreams. he is a mime and is going to school in italy for a week to see if he likes it and then if he does he is moving there for 3 years to learn performance. he speaks fluent spanish and has a boat that he has lived on. he grew up around here, but doesnt smoke weed at all, and doesnt care about what he wears or anything. he doesnt even brush his hair, he is so odd...in some ways he reminds me of scott from dr dog and aaron weiss, just so his own person. i am sooo attracted to that about him. i love him being him. he is an inspiration to me to learn how to be myself more and not care about silly things like designer sunglasses and clothes. i really struggle with things like that because they are things i like, but they are so silly and un needed in so many ways and really dont matter in the long run at all. i am so taken by this fella, hopefully he is taken by me too and we get to hang out at some point. he is working this street fair tomorrow, and i should go there to see him and give him my number, but i am going to have some stuff in my car and sofia, so i cant really hang out, but i should at least give him my number and ask him to hang out sometime this week. he is leaving here for like 2 months in 2 weeks, so i need to cease my chance. what do i got to lose? if he isnt into me, he wont call. thats the worst that can happen right?

i made some new friends tonight and im loving it. i feel like i am really open to new people and new things and i decided to take ballet! i want to join classes and get to meet new people and feel good about myself and be into something. i am into music so much, but i do that, i am already there its time to branch out. i feel so self centered sometimes and dont really try at anything at all, so i want to change that and try new things. if i dont like them i dont. i will move onto something else. i need to go to bed my allergies are fucking killing me.
xo

love reign o'er me..

man i hate when i feel so desperate it totally sucks. cause normally im not so desperate, but for some reason recently ive been super horny and wanting anything and anyone really. i mean not really i could go fuck some random dude, but dont want to. i thought i had a good prospect open up when my ex fuck buddy came to town for the week, but hes playing some serious mind game action, or im just over reacting, but either way its weird and whack. he was all up on me via facebook, then i went to his show last night and it seemed like he wanted to hang out, but he lost his phone, so thats where the weird factor comes into play. he cant really get ahold of me easily, but he still could if he really wanted to. anyways, so he called me and i went over there and hung out with his whole band and ended up watching a movie and he fell asleep immediately and then when the movie was over i was like ok i guess im leaving, he was so weird the whole time, i kept putting my leg close to his and stuff and got nothing back. he kinda threw his energy away from me honestly. so when i left i was so confused but was like whatever then fuck it. so i get home and i left my water bottle there, so i wrote him on facebook and was like yo lets meet up, but if not its cool too, its only a water bottle, then thanked him for hanging out and thought i wouldnt hear back..then 10 seconds later i get a message back that says this exactly "we are hanging out tomorrow. i should have went home with you. i cant wait to go to the river" thats all i got. so i wrote back, i was gonna ask if you wanted to come up but you seemed too sleepy, but your always welcome. so i pretty much put it out there for him, like yo if you wanna fuck im game. so all day goes by and not a word at all, nothing. he was the one who said we were hanging out tomorrow!!! and tomorrow came and went buddy. what the fuck. but the weird thing is when i read that i was like that aint him, thats his friends fuckin around on him and me and then i felt weird and all awkward. but im trying to tell myself that it doesnt matter because if he wants to hang out he will get ahold of me and i need to not write him or anything at all. i put it out there and its not up to me anymore. but i hate this feeling of desperation. i feel like i did when i was waiting around for matt to get a hold of me or to tap on my window. i do this a lot, and its always with the wrong dudes, but its like i need it or something. either way it sucks, hopefully he gets ahold of me sometime this week and i get to have some sex, but im thinking my period will be here very soon, so hopefully it happens before that!! ok enough bitching..

jenni-mercury is in retrograde again until sept 12th, beware!

too much horror business...

i just watched a few videos of horror show, i saw some from the recent show they just played and one i found online of their last show in 2005..while watching these videos i found myself smiling and giggling about it, watching these kids run around on stage, and then kids jumping all over the place and all over each other, really brought me back to so many shows ive seen. ive been to so many hardcore shows its bananas. i feel like its totally different now, but its not at all, its exactly the same as it was 10 years ago, and even 20 years ago, its all the same. kids expressing themselves through bad music and emo lyrics and running around like chicken with their heads cut off, its a release, its therapy, its amazing.

watching those videos really made me remember where i came from, and who i knew and all ive seen. i have seen so much shit, and done so much its incredible im still alive, and never been arrested for it all (knock on wood) some stuff ive seen i couldnt tell the story and have a normal person believe that that kind of stuff actually happens, and also that its a real story and even worse than i actually witnessed it. there was a point in my life where i needed to get away from that whole scene, from those people, from that vibe. i somehow took myself way out of it, (well i guess moving 3000 miles away kind of helps with that huh?) and somewhere thought id never really look back, or care, like i was so past it, so above it or something..but in reality i miss it. i miss the community of it, i miss knowing most people when you go to a show, i miss being vip's at american nightmare shows and getting to hang out backstage while hundreds of kids are awaiting this band, my friends to get on stage and fucking play their asses off. i miss traveling for these shows, and going to new places and automatically being liked because i was from philly and with this band. it was exciting and i dont think i ever viewed it as that when i was in it. i was always worried about what was happening and how to afford everything and how to just live life. i mean i was always there in way, but i was never fully present like how i am today. i regret not having the knowledge to stay present through those important years of my life, and sometimes im glad i wasnt, because how would i have survived if i actually knew what was going on at all times, i would lose it. i was never a bad kid, i never wanted to do anything bad, or talk bad, or act bad, but here i was stuck dead in the middle of bad. i do wonder what type of karma im going to have from some of the stuff ive done during my "bad" phase. i guess i just hope that i turned over my new leaf in enough time to make up for it in this life, so i dont have to bring it over with me.

i had an interesting situation happen at work today and im quite proud of the outcome. i got into a bit of a tiff with one of my co-workers because of the music. now i work with these people all the time and we listen to the same old music all the time, and today i just had enough. i made comments, jokes, i even put my headphones on. i was over it. i knew it was gonna come to a head at some point and i guess today it did. i got into with the person whos ipod it was and we were yelling back and fourth about whos more selfish with the music, and how nobody cares but me about it and im always saying something about it and never doing anything about it, and my responses were like well you dont like when i put my music on, etc etc etc. you get the gist. so i was fucking livid mad, like seriously so mad, so mad i havent been mad in soooo fucking long i was pissed. i didnt like the feeling of getting chumped what so ever (i have this in me due to my "bad" phase btw) so i sat there fuming mad, just an asshole and everyone around me kept making it worse and worse, and i just got madder and madder, it was nuts..then all of a sudden i imagined what i must look like to everyone, i essentially got a mirror thrown directly in front of my face and i hated it. all of a sudden i went fuck this, i am not letting anyone bring me down and make me have a bad day, fuck that, fuck that fuck that!! so i just all of sudden switched to happy. fuck him, fuck the music, fuck these people, none of it matters enough to ruin my day..so immediately i was cool and calm and collected. during break i went to him and made a truce and said sorry and so did he. it was so easy to get mad and frustrated, but it was just as easy to get over it and move on.yet again forgiveness comes into play and makes everything better!! im convinced forgiveness is a super hero. it seriously has changed my life so drastically its incredible. it was nice to have that happen and see that work itself out. i was really proud of myself and the way i handled it. an apology always helps too, even if you think they dont think about it, they do. everyone does at some point and an apology will help cut down on the thought process and the analyze of the situation. once there is a sorry nobody is mad anymore, ther eis no reason to dig deep and talk shit and get frustrated all over again, a sorry squashes it just like magic!

ok im starting to get soo sleepy and tipped out. but i miss josh and stoney a lot. watching josh in that one video really freaked me and out and made me feel really bad for nicky. it must have been so hard to go on stage with a new band and play those songs they wrote together. and you could feel his disconnect from the show altogether, he wasnt there, he was just going through the motions to get through the whole thing, im not surprised at all that he threw up afterwards. he needed to get back into his body. its so sad, it thought about what if jenni died and i had to watch videos of us, it would be so horribly painful, but so nice at the same time. i just want to go home and hug everyone i care about. i live too far away :(

where is my mind?

i just spend the last 2 days in a crazy world and i kind of feel like i cant even really type. yesterday morning i woke up early and me and my dad drove to berkeley to go see Phish play at the greek, which is one of my favorite venues in america! so i was siked. the drive was whatever, it kind of went quickly, honestly quicker than most 5 hour rides..then we got there and the hotel was packed with hippies, trustafarians, jock looking dudes and chicks and just straight up phish heads, i dont know how else to explain them haha. so our room happens to be next to my dads friends room who had the party room which was cool to just be connected and close to people we knew and were gonna be hanging out with. this is the guy who got us the tickets too, so it all worked out. there was so much energy in the air, people were buzzing all around making plans about seats, and waiting in lines, and everything. so we decide to get showers and get ready to go out for the night, because we heard people were waiting in line since 9am to get in and get good seats, i thought it was bananas, but hey if these people wanted to do it, i say go for it. so anyway then we went got dinner, went to amoeba! i got 50 dollars worth of records and wen back to the hotel, we took a quick nap then it was time for the show. i decided it would be a good idea to eat a weed cookie to get ready for the night. i usually only eat a half and for some reason i decided to eat a whole cookie. i thought oh well fuck it, im going to this show i might as well just party down, its gonna be a long ass night. so i feel good about my choice then get to the show and hang out and immediately am offered L, i turned it down and then a part of me really wanted to do it, so when i was offered a quarter piece i took it, i thought oh well maybe it will just be a little bit of a buzz or something mixed with the cookie. then i decided to freak out about the fact that i ate a whole cookie and just took this other thing. i thought the combo seemed stupid and that it was gonna make me into a hot mess before the show even started. which did semi happen, i thought i was gonna die!! i had waves and my heart was racing and i was like great here we go, another bad show where i gotta freak out and deal with it alone for hours. so i tried to chill out a bit, took deep breathes and thought good thoughts..then the music started..

once the music started i was just on. no more worries, nothing i was just in it. the first couple songs it took me a little to get fully into it, but i finally let go and had fun. i had a permanent smile glued to my face. the music just flowed through me, i just went along for the ride and it was awesome. i just really felt free, like i didnt even notice anyone around me at all, i was just there, very present very in the moment and enjoyed the music. time felt so weird, sometimes it felt like hours were passing in minutes, it was kinda cool to just "be" . i danced and danced and started to feel over it, because i was getting tired, as i should have after 4 hours of dancing!! but it was cool, when it ended it was nice. then i was still tripping but for some reason i thought it would wear off by then, people kinda made fun of me cause of it, like sorry sister that isnt going away for a while. so then we walked back to the hotel which was so fun! it was like i was gliding down the street! i kept saying hello to people and just really enjoyed moving around, then got back to the hotel and went to the room and chilled out and listened to music with the people i was with. it was pretty chill, but i kept feeling like i was crawling out of my skin and my muscles kept tightening up randomly i hated that part. my stomach also hurt pretty bad, but i just kept breathing and tried to chill out as much as possible. i did try to take a trip downstairs to the bar area, but it really felt like i was in fear and loathing in las vegas, it was bananas!! finally me and my dad tried to go to sleep, so i thought music would be a good idea, but it was bad actually, it kept me up, once i turned it off, i fell asleep.

the bummer was that we had to wake up at 7am and drive 5 hours to get home to go to my brothers 5th birthday party at a bowling alley. it was crazy. luckily my dad is a seasoned vet and drove the whole way, i just smoked weed and spaced out, it was nice. the party part sucked thought, i didnt really feel like dealing with people at all, but i totally had to. i worked through it though so it was cool. i came home last night and just chilled out, i didnt feel like doing much, i was so tired and a tad bit grumpy. its nice to not have to think or talk sometimes. i watched mad men and true blood, and honestly i dont really remember either of them really, and kind of dont care. there is a big part of me that wants to never watch tv again, it kinda demotivates me. i will want to do art or clean, but then i think about sitting down and spacing out to the television and its more enticing to just blah out and not have to worry about anything else, let other people talk for me and entertain me.

i just feel weird today. i woke up and saw pictures from my first boyfriend's brothers wedding and for some reason it made me feel so fucking weird. i dunno if it was the fact that i saw all these family members i havent seen in like 10 years or if it was because i saw him with his gf looking super happy, or if it just reminded me that im alone. which is odd because i actually like being alone, i crave it and love it. but i guess it wouldnt be so bad to have someone sometimes. i guess thats what i want, someone sometimes. so that i can live my life the way i want and have someone to share with sometimes too. think ill ever find this magical person who is cool with sharing me with myself? i sure hope so.

im moving past the feeling..

what a night! i feel on fire i feel so good its amazing. so amazing. its crazy how good you feel when you do what you need to do and dont compromise yourself or your beliefs and you stick to your guns. i was so worried about how my feelings might change when im there with him and being around him, but i saw him totally different. things were different for sure, he even looked different. i said earlier today to nikki that i thought hanging out tonight might ruin the beauty i saw in the small 2 day stint, but i knew that we needed closure in some way and talking about it would do that. but i was right, it did ruin something. it was still a little forced in a way. i went to his house afterwards and i shouldnt have, but i felt like he needed it and there needed to be more clarity. he kissed me when we got to his house and i kissed back and felt absolutely nothing at all. nothing! can you believe how much i changed?? its bananas he could say my name or even just talk about nothing and it would make my heart stop and vagina tingle. tonight--nothing! it makes sense though to me, he broke my heart and i healed it and there is no room for him anymore. i pretty much got to say that to him tonight too which was really good. we were laying on the couch and he kept talking about going with the flow and his feelings and how hes not gonna date anyone till hes over me, and everything, but i got to say its weird being in your house, last time i was here my heart really hurt, it really was broken. at that moment i realized that it was the truth, and that what happened had abruptly broken my heart. as far as i knew we were going well and dating and having sex and laying naked at 7am and i was all blissed out, until he freaked and it hurt me a lot. thats why my ribs popped out and hurt so much, but i got to heal them very quickly. another weird thing is that i had this small rash on the outside of my lips down there wink wink and it was itchy and i thought maybe it was hurt from the river rocks or something, then i was convinced maybe i had poison oak there either way it fucking hurt super bad and nothing made it feel better. as i went to the bathroom tonight at his house, i realized it didnt hurt anymore, it had magically disappeared its funny cause i cant seem to find the connection with him and that, but i guess it was somewhere deep inside. maybe because most of our problems came from sex or something, who knows. either way its over, dead and gone and i feel great.

another thing that had happened while i was there was i was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat and all i could do was think about john. i had wished john was laying there underneath me and breathing on my forehead, and rubbing my arm. i wanted it to be john. i could never imagine something like this before, but i could tonight. as i sat there i kept thinking about how i wanted to leave to call john and hear his voice and flirt with him on the phone like i did last night. he keeps showing me sides of himself that i needed to see to feel more attracted to him. but who knows tomorrow i could walk into work and feel nothing, or try to hide those feelings away, who knows. there is no rush, if its meant to be it will no matter how many doubts i have or worries. but i feel like we are on the right path. we make sense. we are good compliments to one another, we are opposite yet not. its good.

i fucking feel so good! so free! so happy! im loving life! i never thought i could really feel this good, that this good existed in real life, but it does. you too can feel happy!!!!

nerves nerves, silly nerves..

i woke up with a knot in my stomach, an elephant on my chest. its crazy, i havent been upset or stressed out like this in a while. i am so nervous for my dinner tonight with stan. i dont want to go, i dont want to deal with what im about to deal with at all. i know its so silly because i know what i have to do, i know i have to stand strong and stand up for what i know is right, but its going to be really difficult. its going to be like a date, and i wish it wasnt, i dont have any good news for him, so its kind of strange that we are going to share a meal and talk about stuff when its going to go nowhere. i know he will take it well and not push me, but its going to be awkward indeed. actually i have this feeling that yesterday he finally decided hes done with me too. he sent me a video of bruce springsteens streets of philadelphia and said something along the lines of hope this helps make you think of home. i HATE that song, it freaks me out and reminds me of all the bad things about philly, the drugs, the diseases, the homeless people, the anger, the aggression, the oppression. so i wrote back thank you so much for thinking of me, but this song weirds me out etc etc..he wrote me back sorry not my intention, i wrote him back, i know it was really sweet, etc, etc..but i have a feeling he read that first email back and was mad or upset and over me. i could feel it. he cut me off. which is good, but it sucks that we have to have this dinner together still. there is nothing there, we dont know each other at all and are going to be forced to be in this weird situation together that neither of us want to be in at all. but whatever, its happening and there is nothing i can do about it besides go into with a good head and to be happy and myself and be positive. right?

i guess i feel like part of me doesnt want to get chumped or left to feel weird, but the funny thing is i have the power to feel this way or not. its all about how i take it, and react to it and what i do with it all. it might be fun, we might get to just hang out and laugh and be cool with each other, i never think of that. but it could happen, even though it most likely wont happen. i just think what happened the other day really rocked me and rocked my soul and my heart and everything that its too much to go back. we went too deep into nowhere land. there is no coming back from that conversation, those feelings. i just want it to go away. i want the memory to be wonderful and lovely in my head forever. im scared tonight might ruin that.

for the other dude, john, hes starting to show me a side of himself i wasnt aware of, a side that i actually complained didnt exist but it does. he lives in a small office pretty much right now that doesnt have a kitchen or a bathroom, its just horrible, and i was like eh i cant date a dude like that, no way. but hes been talking about how he wants to get a house in the suburbs and cook dinners and have a life. and hes not meaning california, hes meaning east coast and i can totally see us doing that together. i have this funny feeling things are going to be friendslike until he finds a job and decides to move, then i gotta choose whether or not i want to go with him, i can totally see that happening. i kind of hope it does happen. which just means i need to save up money constantly in case this does happen in any way. if i get a job off, or if i decide to move really quickly i need a nice nest egg. which i had but now its dwindling really rapidly. i am starting to get fucked up money wise again and i didnt even realize it. i am still spending quicker than im making. when am i gonna get it together? it blows my mind that i dont cook a good meal, or exercise every day. it makes no sense to me that this stuff never happens. it does somewhere in my mind, somewhere inside myself i feel like i do that stuff, that i am busy all day doing real shit, but in reality im not at all. i dont do shit.

the new arcade fire rules btw

every little thing..

is gonna be alright..or so i hope so.

im in mass confusion mode. i cant seem to know if i should be following my mind or my heart. i really feel im being torn in two directions and i know i need to make a decision and go with it. its time to be the captain of my own life and just go for one or the other or none. this whole stan thing has got me threw a loop, because i decided that we had something special and to keep it that way and not force anything else out of this, and how arent really compatible and the whole age thing is there, but i am sooo into him and how he made me feel, its totally a drug type of addiction that i need to not give into like cigarettes or something. im meeting up with him on wednesday for dinner which is good that we will be in a public place and wont be able to be all over each other, and get to just converse a bit. but i know im gonna be like butter when i am around him. he does something to my body i cant describe. its like electric when he even talks to me. i just am so attracted to him its wild. it actually is making things hard for me with other dudes because all i want is the feeling i have with stan, which i know i cant get from anyone else. he is magic to me.

my friend john and i have been hanging out for a while, and in this blog i know i have mentioned this whole idea of him. and something keeps telling me that i need to be with him, but i dont want to at the same time. i had several chances tonight to kiss him or to say something about our attraction to one another, but i couldnt bring myself to do any of it. i kept hoping he wouldnt bring it up to me either, because i knew i couldnt deal with it yet. i dont know what it is, im not in any rush or anything but i just dont really see how i will change my mind on this one. its even harder right now because he is totally up against stan which is hard for anyone to compete with. what a decision to make, but do i even have to make one yet? cant i just hang out with both of them then decide at some later point? hahahahaha no way, even as i was typing that i was yelling at myself at why put myself and those two threw such jagged emotion because i cant make up my mind, but i already have pretty much. i know i cant be with stan and should be with john. i may just not choose either. its definitely not going to be that easy, i know that for sure. i need to keep a clear head and make educated decisions at the time i need to make them. one of my fears is that at dinner stan will say something along the lines of, i really thought about the other night and im so sorry i will never be like that again, it opened my eyes to so much, blah blah blah where i will fall right back in, and i know i shouldnt, but then again why not if he were to say that stuff? see my peril?? fuck!!! but honestly there is a very good chance we will both say this isnt going to work out, but lets try to stay friends. who knows i wont know until wednesday and i look forward to seeing what happens. i need to go to sleep now. goodnight. xo