papa don't preach..

so a lot of feelings have been coming up around me and my dad lately..it started when my friend was getting upset because he never really taught me how to grow plants and garden properly..he kind of just let me do my own thing, and then the electric in my house is all fucked up too. i just feel like hes never really been a dad to me, and now he is, but hes not. he is my father, but hes not a dad. he never really taught me anything, and always is on my ass about using my degree and all this crap about going to college and using those skills so tonight when i went over there i told them that i got an interview with a radio station around here to be their intern and all this stuff and he pretty much just went cool dude. that was it. like could i get some support? some praise? or is it too late? does he think im too old and should be in those positions already? or this is how im trying to think about it, because its how i always do. none of this is my fault. im living my life, doing what makes me happy and sorry if its not 40 hours a week at some shitty job i hate making no money. i would rather be doing what im doing, even though im broke as fuck i feel like im happy. im so much happier than i would be at a full time job. i just never have had support from my parents ever really. i mean my dad has hooked me up with money when i was in dire straits but he cut me off which is cool, but ever since he has been more of a good friend than anything. i try to talk to my step mom about it all and she always has an excuse for him, like oh hes been sick, or not feeling good, or hes had a rough week or month blah blah blah and then she does the same thing with blake too,and i realized she has to. she has to think like that or she would probably leave. i mean part of me thinks ignorance is bliss, but then again being happy is the most important thing in life. and it does come down to balance. but all this does is make me realize what type of relationship i have to have in my life, and how i want things to go. i dont want to have to make excuses for my family i want to talk about things when they happen and never let it get to that point. i want to be able to say yo what the fuck? why dont you seem siked for me? i wish i could have said that tonight, but i couldnt. i could not wait to leave that place tonight after dinner. i just felt like i would be better off by myself, and i was right. its how i deal with everything, just go be in my own space and man im getting sick of it. i need to learn how to stand up to them at these situations and tell them that it hurt my feelings. i think the reason i havent done this yet is because im pretty sure i would get the same reaction for that, it would be so unfulfilling honestly. he would go oh im sorry, im totally into that blah blah. he was kind of like that for his birthday too, i made him this awesome thing took all his old dead tickets and made this awesome art piece with it, and he gave me the "cool thanks dude" part of it is its just who he is. its just him, he doesnt really know how to be any different, but arent people supposed to be able to change and fix the things that dont work? or is that a thing that i do and i expect other people to do it just because i did it...but then i think thats putting myself down kind of because im like well if i could you could, im the bottom of the barrell and if i can do it you totally should be able to, but the truth is not everyone is as strong as i am and can find it in themselves to change like i can. its so easy for me, i want to be a better person and am alway searching on ways to better myself and learn and become the person iw ant to be..wow that was empowering to just type those things out. awesome!

kissing the lipless..

so after about a year and a half i finally got to make out with a boy!! oh my god it was such a crazy weird day. i woke up from the craziest dream about stoney and he wasnt dead in the dream, and i told him i thought he was dead and he laughed and hugged me and made me feel better, but when i woke up i realized he totally is dead and what a weird fucking dream..then i thought about josh and how hes dead and how on earth the people closest to them ie girlfriends deal with their deaths. it must be so fucking hard to deal with. like one day your boyfriend is sleeping in your bed and the next day hes dead..must be sooo fucking wild. fucking wild man.

oh get to the kissing right? ok well after i woke up i wanted to go for a swim at the gym, so i got my stuff together and went down there, i swam for about 20 minutes and then went to get food..i knew my friends were at the crabs game (the local baseball team) and i decided to go hit it up. i got there and it was a couple fest, i was with 3 couples, but it was fun..hung out yelled a bunch, chilled out..then afterward we all went to the bar and had a few shots, i got kinda drunk! haha which is super funny since i barely drink anymore, but anyways this dude brian was with us and he was really cool, we played some dice and totally hit it off. i dont even know what it was, but we just got along. so we hung out at the bar telling stories, making fun of things and just talking all while the basketball game was on, which i dont even know who won yet! haha so we decided to leave at the 3rd quarter i wanted to just get out of the bar with all the creeps..the whole time he was talking i wanted to just make out with him! it was so odd, i never really feel like that to be honest. then we were walking to the car and stopped on the street, got kinda close and i was like you want to kiss me dont you? so fucking bold of me! he said yes and kissed me, and guess what he kissed just like me! sooooooo crazy i dont know too many people who kiss just like me, but its sweet when i find it. it was so comfortable with him the whole time. i dont know if it was because there was no pressure, and we just hit it off or if it was just vibes, or both..either way im kinda into it. the only bad things were that his semi beard kind of hurt my face, and he was at the game with a date! this girl was so not into being at the game at all, she left a few times, and left early..he told me he wasnt really into her either, but thought he would never find a good girl up here so he decided to just try to stick it out, but now that he met me he thinks hes over it. so weird, i feel like a home-wrecker in a way, but i also dont give a fuck. they didnt seem to be getting along too well anyways.

ok so after the kiss we went to the marsh to go smoke some weed, and sat on this bench for about 3 hours, which went by so fucking quickly, we seriously just told stories all intertwined with each other, holding hands and everything. i was so engrossed in the conversation. i honestly never thought to check my phone or do anything, but look at him and listen and talk back. we kissed a few times there but it was just that a few kisses then right back to talking which was awesome. i liked how chill it was, then he got this weird phone call and things kind of got weird, but we decided to leave because it was getting late and cold anyway. we were going to go get food, but i wanted to go home and eat and take sofia out. so we left each other. he kissed me goodbye and we said we would hang out again this week. im so siked! but not too siked, its weird. im just whatever about it honestly. i dont even plan on telling a lot of people. i just want to be chill and hang out when we hang out. see what happens, and also get the scoop tomorrow from jenna and nate on him, since they are his friend. the funny thing is jenna has been telling me about this dude for months now, and i didnt know that until late in the game which is so funny. funny how things turn out sometimes.

i think we are gonna hang out again this week sometime. he already texted me with the good old, making sure you got home safe text which really just means he wanted to talk to me, but felt silly about it so it was the safe way to do so. this dude is pretty cute too, and fun and funny. hes a breath of fresh air around here for me.his clothes are a little not for me, but very humboldt. boots, hoodie, carhart pants. same old same old..i need to be careful on this one, i need to be available but not too available, and not say too much or let him in too much. i need to keep being honest and open with him and see where it goes. maybe we were just drunk and thought we were into each other. who knows. ok i gotta stop it now. bedtime!

peel sessions..

Ive been feeling kind of weird lately, like confused and upset and stuck in the past, something has reminded me of how i used to feel all the time, and i dont like it. ive been trying to talk myself out of it, but its quite hard to do. old habits die hard as they say right? i feel good because im not stuck in my little bubble anymore, i realize whats going on, how unspecial i am to a certain someone and how im just another one of the many many girls he talks to, and im done with it. im not going to let myself look like a fool and be played out like that. its not fair to myself. i cant believe i even thought of having sex with him! i was going to give up my newly found virginizm to him?? what the fuck was i thinking? ive been saving myself for someone special, someone who loves me and cares about me and my feelings, someone who wants to openly spend time with me, someone who doesn't lie and say the same thing to a million people. thats what im saving my body for, not some fucking dude who just wants to fuck me and doesn't give a shit about my feelings. sometimes its so fucking hard though because i get all crazy and want to have sex, its been sooooo long! but i know it will be worth it one day, hopefully soon.

as for the peeling, i took a bath today. not like in the sense of i was super dirty and took a bath, im clean i just felt the need to soak my body and lay there and chill. my mind was working too hard though, i couldn't just stop and relax at all. but i did try my hardest to! my favorite part is when i open the drain and all my dirty water and bad energy and vibes go down the drain..they float away like they never existed..i love it, i love the process of it all. water is so important in so many ways, i get my best ideas around water, and feel the most empowered. i seriously have my best ideas in water its nuts, if i need to think i usually take a shower and it all comes to me..ive been learning to use those signs and follow my intuition more often, i find that im usually right.alright im out yo.

the mind is a crazy place yo.

i came to the harsh reality today that i need to give up the ghost, the ghost of you know who..i let him in way too much and i dont know how to control myself when i talk or am around him. he has fucked me over so many times in so many ways and i keep coming back and i keep inviting more of the drama into my life. i confide in him, i let him see me in ways other people dont, i show him noodz, i mean man when the fuck am i gonna learn? i hate myself for it seriously. i cant even believe i was getting excited to maybe make out/have sex with him. why would i do that? ive waited this long to have sex with someone who loves me and cares about me, and i was ready to just give it all away to him? he doesnt respect or love me. we had something back in the day, and i fell for him but man o man am i falling again? i dont even know if thats what im doing or not. i dont know if im falling back in love with him or if im falling in the idea of having sex. i think im so deprived from it all that my mind gets all foggy and confused and just wants to have it. but on the flip side the good side is that i realized this way quicker than before. it only took me a few times of talking to him to realize it and the funny part is he made me remember. when i talked to him last night he made me feel weird and uncomfortable with myself because he i asked why he was being so quiet and he said well i already talked to you today, and that was that. i was done. it made me feel stupid and then it all came flooding back about how stupid he used to make me feel all the time. he doesnt want anything with me, all he wants is someone who he doesnt have to commit to, someone who he can fuck with and waste time, well im not that person. im done. i might not even go to that show anymore. i might say fuck it and stay home. id like to hang out, but really do i want to? isnt it going to be weird? i think if jon and amy are there it will be better, but otherwise its gonna be weird. its so funny how you can convince yourself of stuff when you really want something or someone. the mind is a crazy place yo.

searching for a home..

so im feeling uber antsy, i just want to do something, i want something new! im so bored of this life, this life of being alone all the time. i know that soon i will have terra and jenna around more often, but in reality they will fill a certain void but not the one i need filled. but ya know maybe it will lead to that, maybe me going out more often will lead me into meeting someone. i realized that if im just sitting around my house alone, im not putting anything out there to meet anyone new. im hiding myself away still and i dont mean to, its kinda all i know anymore. i was gonna put an ad up on craigslist, but when i did that last time it didnt work, i met that dude joe, but he was weird as far as i remember. i think he got mad at me a lot or something. either way it didnt work out in my best interest, so im kinda scared to do it again. and besides i dont know what to even write to describe myself. i dont know what i want, wait thats a lie, i totally know what i want i guess i dont know what to say about it in an ad. i dont want to put it all out there and i dont want to not either. i need the balance, but i havent found it yet, so i decided to just wait until i find the right words.

i feel something coming soon, but i also have been saying that for months now. i guess summer time gets me all excited for possibilities of meeting new people. but i also forgot that around here it is never really summer. i wrote a misconnection today too for this hot boy i saw at the bank. i think he is the same boy i met at the talib kweli show. i hope he reads those things. either way im putting the energy out there, and thats all i can do. try try try

maybe it isnt so long before dawn?

so the past few weeks i have been feeling a little bit less than normal. i have been out of it, bummed, upset, depressed, not getting dressed, barely eating, not really talking to anyone, everyday just felt like i was going through the motions. something was keeping me down pretty bad. but alas, the new moon has come and changed it all like it usually does!! i was out walking the other day and i just couldnt even fathom feeling motivated ever again, the downiness had me so deep in the darkness of despair that i couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel that was coming! so yesterday i cleaned the fuck outta my house, like crazy. i just went into cleaning mode and cleaned and cleaned and scrubbed the floors so hard and it was hard work, but i did it. i did it not stoned, and with no music. i barely had any thoughts while i was doing it. it was very meditative for me i guess. i guess i just needed to clean. its funny because if you came in my house right now you wouldnt even notice it. its things ive been putting off and never ever do. sometimes the dirt just builds up so much you forget what its even supposed to look like clean. i guess thats a good metaphor for me these days. there is so much loneliness that i forget what love looks like and feels like.

but i woke up this morning and craigslist personal ads flashed in my head, so i went there to look, to just see what was going on on there, if there was anyone interesting about and there was. there was this one post that just felt right in some way, it even had this rad picture of bjork record shopping which is one of my all time fav pics of her! so i decided to write this dude an email. i was just me, i didnt reread it a hundred times to make sure i sounded cool, i was just me. even if it doesnt go anywhere its fun. its good to get myself out there in some way, put that energy out there that im lookin for someone, even if its this one act. but ive been really trying to listen to myself when something pops into my head, ive been following it. i feel like maybe they are the doors that are knocking. things pop up there and are so clear, that if i ignore them id be an idiot. i feel like my intuition has been on too lately like super good.

so i guess now i just sit and wait to see what happens. no fuck that no sitting nor waiting, im going to do my thing and see what happens!! i will email a few times, even send a pic or two, maybe we should chat on aim or something first. it would be nice to meet somewhere, but blind dates are usually not my thing. i just need to make sure i dont act all scared. i need to do what feels right without fear being one of them.


*****update*******
so i talked to this dude a few times over email, then on aim..he kept pushing me to go hang out with him and i kept telling him i didnt want to quite yet, i wanted to get to know him better and he kept pushing for it, and then when i finally was like well i guess we are on different pages, nice to meet you, he was all go on your own pace blah blah blah, so then i was like oh maybe i misunderstood this dude, and decided to keep the conversation going, then he had to be like your missing out on meeting me because im an awesome fun guy and you are missing out, like what the fuck! then i was like yo thats what i mean with pushing, why cant we just get to know each other, you are pretty much a stranger, and his response was well not to myself, like ugh i fucking hate people like that more than anything else in the world. i hate people who just cant go with the flow, they have to be on top or something, i bruised his ego cause i wouldnt go hang out with him after i just sent him an email this morning. jesus. fuck that dude. he doesnt even have a car, because he got in an accident, but i have a feeling it was a while ago. hes a normal fucking loser humboldt dude. full of himself and thinks he is gods gift to women, well obviously not if your posting on craigslist. fuck fuck fuck. i hate that i put myself out there again, why did i send him a picture? now he knows what i look like. gross.

i hate.....

this is a compete post to just fucking freak out.

i hate rude people i hate people who argue in circles, i hate people who always think they are right i hate people who are cheap and use it as a crutch to get what they need i hate people who dont listen i hate people who have circular arguments i hate passive aggressive people i hate working the counter at my job i hate that i have to work at all i hate getting paid peanuts to get stressed out i dont know how people do it all the time i hate when people try to sas you when they are wrong i hate when you cant just fucking punch someone when you want to really really bad i hate when people say they are telling all their friends to not come here anymore, who the fuck cares seriously. if your rude we dont want you to come around anyway fuck you fuck your ugly face and fuck your mom jeans