so the past few weeks i have been feeling a little bit less than normal. i have been out of it, bummed, upset, depressed, not getting dressed, barely eating, not really talking to anyone, everyday just felt like i was going through the motions. something was keeping me down pretty bad. but alas, the new moon has come and changed it all like it usually does!! i was out walking the other day and i just couldnt even fathom feeling motivated ever again, the downiness had me so deep in the darkness of despair that i couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel that was coming! so yesterday i cleaned the fuck outta my house, like crazy. i just went into cleaning mode and cleaned and cleaned and scrubbed the floors so hard and it was hard work, but i did it. i did it not stoned, and with no music. i barely had any thoughts while i was doing it. it was very meditative for me i guess. i guess i just needed to clean. its funny because if you came in my house right now you wouldnt even notice it. its things ive been putting off and never ever do. sometimes the dirt just builds up so much you forget what its even supposed to look like clean. i guess thats a good metaphor for me these days. there is so much loneliness that i forget what love looks like and feels like.
but i woke up this morning and craigslist personal ads flashed in my head, so i went there to look, to just see what was going on on there, if there was anyone interesting about and there was. there was this one post that just felt right in some way, it even had this rad picture of bjork record shopping which is one of my all time fav pics of her! so i decided to write this dude an email. i was just me, i didnt reread it a hundred times to make sure i sounded cool, i was just me. even if it doesnt go anywhere its fun. its good to get myself out there in some way, put that energy out there that im lookin for someone, even if its this one act. but ive been really trying to listen to myself when something pops into my head, ive been following it. i feel like maybe they are the doors that are knocking. things pop up there and are so clear, that if i ignore them id be an idiot. i feel like my intuition has been on too lately like super good.
so i guess now i just sit and wait to see what happens. no fuck that no sitting nor waiting, im going to do my thing and see what happens!! i will email a few times, even send a pic or two, maybe we should chat on aim or something first. it would be nice to meet somewhere, but blind dates are usually not my thing. i just need to make sure i dont act all scared. i need to do what feels right without fear being one of them.
*****update*******
so i talked to this dude a few times over email, then on aim..he kept pushing me to go hang out with him and i kept telling him i didnt want to quite yet, i wanted to get to know him better and he kept pushing for it, and then when i finally was like well i guess we are on different pages, nice to meet you, he was all go on your own pace blah blah blah, so then i was like oh maybe i misunderstood this dude, and decided to keep the conversation going, then he had to be like your missing out on meeting me because im an awesome fun guy and you are missing out, like what the fuck! then i was like yo thats what i mean with pushing, why cant we just get to know each other, you are pretty much a stranger, and his response was well not to myself, like ugh i fucking hate people like that more than anything else in the world. i hate people who just cant go with the flow, they have to be on top or something, i bruised his ego cause i wouldnt go hang out with him after i just sent him an email this morning. jesus. fuck that dude. he doesnt even have a car, because he got in an accident, but i have a feeling it was a while ago. hes a normal fucking loser humboldt dude. full of himself and thinks he is gods gift to women, well obviously not if your posting on craigslist. fuck fuck fuck. i hate that i put myself out there again, why did i send him a picture? now he knows what i look like. gross.
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