one sweet dream..

came true..today..

its so weird how much better i feel today. its been over 2 weeks of living this weird life, of feeling better, but yet still being all kinds of fucked up. feeling destructive, wanting to do drugs (but didnt), buying cigarettes (but couldnt smoke them so i gave them away), wearing the same outfit every day for a week straight, for two weeks in a row, and not washing or brushing my hair, and actually going out in public. like i did these things, i actually went out with out touching my hair from sleeping, and it was greasy and dirty and i smelled a little bit. i got showers, but only at the gym, where i pretty much just rinse off after the steam room. i was in a weird place, but today i feel totally out of it. well i guess it started last night when i got a shower, washed my hair, shaved, and got dressed up. it was nice to be done up and feel alive again. i guess thats what it is, feeling alive.

i realized i have a few dudes, who i am semi interested in and they seem semi interested in me as well. its fun to have crushes, it keeps my mind off the real shit with r. i kind of am in a spot where i realized i was wasting my time, and he obviously wasnt feeling me, so i had to move on for now. but hes still there in the back of my mind. i havent been stalking him as much, and it will be a week tomorrow for me talking, texting, iming, statusing, all of those things. ive stayed clear of him. he did write on my status update last night, and it didnt even make any sense. but i know him so well that i know he meant something by it, and i just cant crack that puzzle. im trying not to care. making these other connections are really teaching me things about myself and things i want. i love learning. especially about myself and my needs and wants. its so empowering.

i started yoga classes on tuesday and today i went back. its tuesday and thursday from noon-1pm. perfect time! i decided im going to go every week as much as i can. my new gym schedule is monday 10-12, and tues, thurs 12-1. if i do that and keep being conscious of what im eating and drinking, i should be all good by may for teresas wedding. i want to look really fucking good for it. its always good to have a goal in mind. but the yoga class is so dope, ive always wanted to start yoga pratice, and be a yogi. it feels good to be at the point where im ready to start those practices. i always knew it would come someday, and someday is now. its a spiritual time for me these days. i really feel like im digging deep, and wanting to be at one and at peace with my body and mind. i want to always know whats going on with me, and take care of me and really really care about myself. i started drinking tea everyday, its turning into a good habit. i come home and put the water on, and have my tea. once a day tea is a great start, i want to drink it more often than once a day though. i think its healthy and a good way to stay hydrated. i also have my kombucha which i drink 4 oz of it every morning when i wake up, i hear its a good detoxifier it seems to be going well. i guess im just proud of myself. its weird going through such a dark period and feeling so weird and out of place was a starting ground for all these good changes.

for the new moon, i wish that i stay motivated and on top of my goals. gym, work and eating healthy.