i feel kind of lost these days. i mean its so weird because i feel like i got my shit together in a sense, i got what i wanted and what i needed,but i feel like i lost me in the process..its a good reminder to reconginze that when im with a dude, i lose myself and its something i need to not do. i think thats why i keep getting all these things coming at me, to train me so that when my real dude comes along i will be prepared and ready for an awesome relationship. im really starting to think that r isnt my one. its weird though right? ive spent years thinking about him all the time, and wondering if we will ever be together, and now he talks about the same stuff, but deep down inside me i know hes not it. its a very weird feeling, because even as i type that i feel weird saying it like i dont believe it. but that little voice in my head keeps telling me so. and on top of it i found my old psychic tape and she told me the same thing. she said we will reconnect but he wasnt the one for me. supposedly the right one is from arizona or something weird like that. but i cant even think about that shit right now. i gotta focus on me.
what am i doing with my life? i have no future goals or career ideas at all. i flip flop back and fourth on moving or staying here. one thing i know is true that i need to stick it out for at least 6 more months and make serious loot, maybe even longer. if i can make enough money to have a few months to chill out somewhere or even longer it would be awesome. the funny thing is i think about making money and not wanting to leave, and just vacationing a lot. sofia is my only problem with that, this is the first time since i got her that i feel held back by her. i want to go travel the world and do shit, but i cant because i got a dog and someone else would have to watch her, and that wouldnt be fair. i guess i could take her to philly and my mom would if i really went away for a while. i cant even think about that right now though really. i need to get my shit together. i get so frustrated with this career situation. why cant i just pick something? am i scared? kole said that i need to just take chances and do stuff, otherwise im gonna be in this safe little bubble forever. shes totally right, but what chance is there to take? am i not looking in the right spots? am i not in the right spot? i know shes probably referring to me moving down to la, but i dont know if thats the right place for me. as i was listening to my tape, she mentioned boston having career opportunities for me, i just wish i knew where to even look to have that work out.
its weird i feel so confused about life and love and future, but i also feel so free. i feel like wow i really learned a lot from brian and that short but sweet relationship. it was close to being right. i was imagining a puzzle piece and he was a bit too big to fit, where as rickie fits but has some pieces missing from the sides so it doesnt look quite right, but there is someone out there for me who fits perfectly. i have faith in that now. this whole thing brought me back to life. i was fading fast in a sea of loneliness and thinking i would be alone forever, but once i started having sex again, i came back! people were telling me i looked brighter and healthier, i moved my block from my energy. i feel good. i feel positive and ready to get back to me. get back to the good life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment