you are such a loser

is all that keeps going through my head tonight. i want to make all these changes in my life and i plan on them over and over again, but doing them is so much harder. i wanted to stay in tonight to just be alone and be with myself, but all ive done is watch tv. its exactly what i shouldnt be doing. i should be reading or meditating while i have the alone time, or something like that but i am not. i am laying in bed high watching gossip girl and 30 rock. i could do that any night of the week. i am still trying so hard to run from myself. the good thing is, the only good thing is that i see this. i recognize me doing it. this means a lot. this means i am aware and really headed towards the change. this happened to me after ciggs and coke. its now naturally happening over weed. its so crazy to think of me not smoking weed. its been such a big part of me, my life. its been with me for the whole 11 or so years i have spent with it. it has been my crutch and my strength, my advice, my love my cure for boredom, my escape my wisdom my awareness my awkwardness my laziness my creativity i could go on and on and on, but there is no point. weed has been good and bad to me through the years, but right now it seems to be really bad to me. its so demotivating, and sucks me into a bad habit and place. it makes me eat junk food at 11 pm and gain weight which makes me feel bad so i eat more and its a bad cycle, its a cycle i am killing. the worst part is losing tyler. without weed i think tyler and i can not exist. we are based on weed. we smoke and it lets us get to our zone, it rarely can happen without it. but hey it might be good for us. but he and weed and sex are the reason i smoked tonight. cause i know i am going to see him on sunday and smoke so why not just make monday the day i start? its the beginning of the week, it makes the most sense. yes it does. but its also a fucking EXCUSE! all i do is give excuses for every fucking little thing. its terrible and its running my life in such a negative direction. but i am vowing to myself that monday is the new day. monday is the day of change. monday it means working out, meditating, and actively looking for a job. going out more, sitting online at a coffee shop instead of sitting in the house. it means putting my face out there, meeting people creating a life here. monday is the day. i will be 33 in 12 days from monday, its like the 12 days of christmas, its a countdown to the best day. its giving me gifts and making me uber aware and ready to go into my 33rd year clear minded and hopefully with a job that is paying me something decent to depend on.

33 is my year!